I have been on a deep search. I have been waiting, biding time, making money, taking courses, waiting for that SPARK. Waiting to realize my calling, my dharma, why I am here on this earth. Every day I wake up in my pretty great life. I have people in my life who I love, I have the means to support myself, I have a job that doesn’t make me feel wildly passionate but in which I am very well respected, am given encouragement to have a work-life balance, and serve others. I spend time taking care of my body and eating well, I learn new things. I have carved out a unique life that isn’t totally following others scripts between dropping out of college, creating job positions for myself, being queer and out, asking the people around me to be tender and relational with me, and asking myself to feel deeply. I’m not the typical story of a woman who has spent her life serving others and realizes one day she’s been on autopilot. And yet…
I can’t find it. My heart feels like it’s breaking every day. Like it wants something totally different and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to help ease the pain or find my way or what the obstacles are. I know some of this is about fears — fear of not being able to pay the bills, fear of failing, fear of living an unfulfilled life, fear of hurting others. I know some of this is about conditioning. I know I have been conditioned that every year I get older, I get more limited in my options, and that doesn’t have to be true (but it feels true). I know I have learned that my calling must be able to pay my mortgage (why oh why did I get a mortgage?). I know I have been conditioned to keep my mind and life so busy that I cannot feel my heart’s whisper, but I’m learning to pause. To listen and lean into some creativity. To be in nature, to feel gratitude and even to try being patient (I’m not very good at this one). The problem is no matter what I do, I STILL. CAN’T. HEAR. IT. Not clearly.
The yearning I feel is like a knife in my belly, but I don’t know how to pull it out and recover. Sitting in anguish isn’t really my style, so I figure, maybe if I just start. With this blog. Not necessarily start towards my calling, but maybe if I just start expressing what is in my heart, maybe if I just start risking failure in public, maybe if I just start carving out space for my own thoughts and ideas, slowly my heart or the universe or my brain or whatever force that is out there will trust me enough to reveal to me what I should be doing with this one wild and precious life. Because frankly I’m lost and I so deeply want a way through.
