CW: suicidal ideation
Okay, so my daily writing habit creation is flagging a little. For a few days, I started something and didn’t quite finish to posting. No fully formed ideas coming up. Perhaps it was the weekend effect. Start to finish on a weekend is too lengthy a process. As a Pisces, I need some time for floating through and apparently the weekend was that. But I’m starting again with a post everyday no matter how good or bad or embarrassing it is.
How we wake up tells us so much about ourselves and our states. What mood we’re in when we wake up and what our mood is like through the morning indicates to me where my psyche is when it’s at rest. Last Wednesday I woke up not wanting to live — not in the crying, ragey way that I’ve experienced suicidal ideation in the past. I didn’t feel like I wanted to escape deep pain. I just felt like there wasn’t really a point to me waking up, being a person, living my life today. I knew that there were several people who loved me who would be sad and even devastated if I died that day, or simply stopped existing. I knew that my life wasn’t the worst. I just felt deep in me a kind of despair that said “why bother with this? you’re not the right fit for the world you’re in. you just can’t quite figure out what matters here and how to stay engaged, how to have sustained inspiration and peace, how to have the love you seek”.
I have so many tools y’all. I have studied yoga and ayurveda and breathwork and buddhism and believe deeply in spirit and I cannot figure out how to fully engage in this life and how to really practice those things. I have glimpses of spark or inspiration or connection to the divine.
I guess those tools actually helped though. I sat with that feeling that I wanted to disappear. My true and honest feeling that there wasn’t a real reason to keep living and I let it wash over me. I sat with the part of me that was freaking out that I was feeling that way and wanting to try to fix it with meditation or breathwork or something that would change this feeling. I let myself cry from despair. I let myself imagine how the people in my life would deal with my death. I let myself wonder what happens to souls after suicide.
I think perhaps that thought is what shifted things. What happens to souls after suicide? I truly don’t know. But I believe in karma. I don’t believe it is possible to escape pain — eventually you have to feel it. I can’t imagine what pain would feel like after death. If my soul would get to even rest in the astral plane. Or if my next life would be that much harder.
An absurd thought popped into my head. What if I just took control of how I felt about my life now? The words “I love myself and I love my life” came to me and immediately everything in my body felt lighter. From this place of darkness that I woke into, I was learned where to find some lightness.
I love myself and I love my life.
These simple words changed everything. The last 5 days, anytime I feel a little down, I’ve said these words internally and sometimes out loud. Even when my heart was totally in it, I’ve said them. Most times, I do experience an immediate sense of wonder and excitement about my life, just for a second.
This weekend I was signed up for a training in pranayama. I was excited but honestly I think I’m over Zoom trainings. I couldn’t keep my attention focused. I had too much anxiety about other things happening to really be present in the class. I felt guilty and turned to my first impulse of shaming myself or pushing myself or just tuning all the way out. Then I told myself “I love myself and I love my life”.
What would someone who loved their life do? They would recognize that they’re not paying attention now, log off, and do something that brings them more joy. So that’s what I did. I love myself and I love my life — this became a call to action rather than a state of being.
Today I woke up, Monday morning, and I recognized my (very typical) impulse to keep snoozing my alarm and keep sleeping for a peaceful 9 minutes at time. Telling myself ‘I love myself and I love my life”, I let myself do just that. I slept for an extra 1 hour and 15 minutes hitting snooze throughout. Honestly this is something I do most weekdays. What’s not typical is that I didn’t feel shame or stress that I wasn’t waking up. I felt grateful for my short peaceful naps and I felt grateful to my alarm (?!?!) for reminding me it was time to think about getting up.
I don’t know how long the effect of these words will last, but I do know that I would like to wake up like this more often.
